i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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