don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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