woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
