Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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