Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the day after is always just damage control
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
