if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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