my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
