the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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