apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
