Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
