Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
