I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
