it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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