I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my poor anus
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