He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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