bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
