I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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