Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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