I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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