Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
