Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
