I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
