Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
