I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
