I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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