You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
