This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
