im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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