We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
