Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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