I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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