My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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