he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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