don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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