that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
