Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
