I think im going to throw up on grandma
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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