Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
