I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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