I wanna passion pit in your ass
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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