He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
