dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
