I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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