sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
