I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
