we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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