those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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