I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
