dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
