I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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