i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
